I've spent so much goddamn time spouting off about major labels, you'd think I don't have anything more to say. Of course I do.

First of all, I'd like to extend a kick in the pants to anyone who is actually stupid enough to believe that major labels moving in and buying up punk rock is a big deal. That is not a big deal, not at all. Major labels exist to make money. It wouldn't matter if they were selling dildos or kewpie dolls—their bottom line is profit. I guess we could wring our hands and wrinkle up our foreheads in concern over the fact that these leeches exist, but I personally don't have the time for such fantastic horseshit. It's just part of the real world.

The problem isn't major labels coming in to the punk scene to buy up your favorite bands. How can they buy something that's not for sale? And if it is for sale, what do you care? See, there are three classes of bands. There are the bands who wouldn't dream of selling out and can afford that luxury of ethics because they have such a tiny cult audience that nobody's asking them to sell out. Then there are bands (and I'll tell ya, my town is crammed full of 'em) who use the D.I.Y. ethics first as an excuse for creating an arrogant, elitist club and then as a stepping stone toward becoming the next BAD RELIGION. Then there are bands who fall somewhere in the middle. These are the bands who really believe in and own their ethics but are not stupid or naive enough to believe that playing five dollar gigs in V.F.W. halls is going to be satisfying for them in another five years. There are other classes of bands, of course, like all the shitty bar rock and pop bands that were sending their demo tapes to major labels years ago and are now calling themselves alternative and getting signed by the truckload. I won't concern myself with them because they are the mainstream segment of our population. They are the Van Halen's of the 90's, eternally clueless, forever stuck in a high school locker room gauging the length of everyone else's prick to make sure they don't fall short.

I'm sure many of the other writers in MRR have wonderful opinions and ideas about what we should do about this. But really, why should anybody do anything about it? Bands who are gonna sell out are gonna do it regardless of what anyone says. The only thing that bugs me about that is that they never have the balls to admit that they sold out. They're always justifying it in silly, pathetic ways, as if they actually need to retain credibility with the punks.

I used to get pissed about bands who used the structure I supported and believed in to get what they wanted, only to drop the punk scene. I don't care as much any more because that's the norm now. Lookout Records never used to make bands sign contracts. Now they have to because so many of their bands show the telltale signs of jumping ship. Lookout needs to protect itself. Yeah, it's sick, but that's what's happened.

It doesn't matter to me because I'm so rarely inspired by punk music these days anyway. It's interesting to note however, that in my humble opinion the best punk rock today is coming out of Spain, Germany and Italy. Some of the greatest bands I've heard in the past year will never play in this country and will never have their records sold here. Certainly part of the reason for this is because they don't have the opportunities that we Americans do to sell out. I definitely don't think those circumstances are an honorable, noble thing. I think it sucks. Bands like Spain's SHOCK TREATMENT and DEPRESSING CLAIM are much better than most of the the bands on say, Epitaph or Lookout, and they won't sell one tenth of the records that their American counterparts do. That sucks. But on the other hand, even though many of these bands are heavily influenced by popular American bands, their lack of a solid, easy ten step program to success means that they have the freedom to do exactly what they want. It's doubtful that any but a few of the great, unknown European punk bands see themselves as having the slightest chance to become famous—therefore, what they do is more pure in intent and more honest in execution. It's impossible for them to pander to an audience because they basically don't have one, at least not in the way we think of it.

I would never suggest that this makes them better people, or more ethical than their American counterparts. Surely if they had access to the same easy program of success that we do, they'd fall prey to the same shit we do. But the parallel is in the American bands of the late eighties who were in a similar situation.

We had some heavy hitters around back then, even though their glory days were long over. CIRCLE JERKS, 7 SECONDS, M.D.C. and probably about ten others were still capable of drawing huge crowds wherever they went. But great punk bands who were just starting out got virtually no support. Of course, many of these bands went on to be legendary, but how many people remember that when OPERATION IVY came to Chicago they played in front of about 100 people? Most of the punks were off at the AGNOSTIC FRONT show. The same could be said for CRIMPSHRINE, JAWBREAKER, CRINGER and countless others who are revered today. Now, a great young band like FACE TO FACE or PROPAGANDHI can go out on tour and you can bet your ass they'll be drawing huge crowds. That's not a bad thing by any means—it just shows that the punks have finally caught on. There's no doubt in my mind that a bill featuring NOFX and FACE TO FACE would draw hundreds more people than an EXPLOITED gig, but it wasn't too long ago that NOFX couldn't draw flies and FACE TO FACE didn't even exist.

Unfortunately, what has come along with this is the tendency of younger bands to see their music in a purely business sense. I don't mean just money—I'm talking about the underlying attitude that these bands have. Their goals are different and personally, they disgust me. As is the case with just about everyone on the planet, it seems that most young bands live in a black and white world; either you sell your records only through small indie distributors or you go for the brass ring sporting the BAD RELIGION logo. We've seen bands like HUSKER DU become ruined by going for the gold and we've seen other bands like 7 SECONDS turn to shit by being naive and ignorant about business. You would think that bands would've learned from all that and found some middle ground, but most haven't.

JAWBREAKER is one of the few bands who have. These guys aren't dummies when it comes to business. They 're also not crooks. Moreover, they have a sense of fun about what they do that goes beyond the usual definition of the word. While half the punk scene is calling them sell-out scumbags and the other half is wondering why the hell they haven't made the "smart" move and signed to a major, they're cruising along doing business as usual. Their ethics are their own. Don't tell me it's easy for a band like JAWBREAKER to do what they do. No, it's easy for some podunk, nobody band to take an ethical stand. JAWBREAKER has been approached by just about every major label around and they've turned them down. How many young bands do you know that would do the same?

But JAWBREAKER are not going to be suckered into a no win situation with a club that's going to stiff them or a kid promoter with twisted D.I.Y. ethics who thinks that anything above gas money is immoral. They do their business by their own rules and I respect and admire them for that. Yet while every other band in the country is attempting to rip off their sound, few, if any, are attempting to understand the way JAWBREAKER does business, which is ultimately what gained them their popularity and is probably what keeps them going. The mere fact that they're one of only two bands I can name (the other being NOFX) who actually gets considerably better with each record should say something. It doesn't have anything to do with marketing or politics, it has to do with priorities.

Mykel mentioned in his April column that SCREECHING WEASEL had singed with Warner Bros. A lot of people asked me if this was true, which was not only an insult in itself, but also a sign of people's general stupidity; if you don't take everything Mykel says in his APRIL column with a grain of salt, you're not too bright.

What pissed me off wasn't so much people asking me if it was true (when what they should have been saying is, "What kind of bullshit is Mykel talking about?") although that bugged me slightly. I also wasn't all that annoyed by the people who gloated over it, as if their silly predictions had finally come true, although that was slightly annoying as well. What really irritated the shit out of me were the people who believed it and thought it was an intelligent and logical move.

Look, I don't really give a fuck for the punk scene today. I don't know what you call it when you've gone miles past jaded and disillusioned, but that's where I am. I have only a few reasons for retaining the slight interest I do in punk rock. But signing to a major? Come on! I won't talk ethics here, because if somebody threw enough money at me I'd leave my ethics behind in a New York minute. Let's just talk business. If you're going to sign to a major, you first have to have interest from the majors. We have very little. Without that interest, you can't get yourself the deal you want. Secondly, you have to be willing to accept the fact that the people you're dealing with don't give a fuck if you end up on welfare or shoot shit into your arm or blow your fucking head off with a shotgun. In fact, those people will exploit any problems you may have, romanticize them and leave your silly ass twisting in the wind. Third, no matter how good you think you are you'll probably flop and, unlike most punk indies, major labels don't care if you're a really good band or not. If you're not making money, fuck you and pal, once you've taken that road you can't go back. Your career as a musician is over. Fourth, even if you become huge, the fuckers steal from you. You'll be making so much money it won't matter, but you will be getting robbed (this last one is unfortunately true of many indies as well...). Fifth, in order to protect yourself as much as possible, you have to give a cut of your dough to a lot of people who aren't doing nearly enough to earn it (and don't forget that there are many more salaries to pay and everybody wants, and gets, a piece of your action). Last, you have to do things. You can get a contract saying you don't have to do videos or you only have to tour one month a year, but if you stick with that shit you'll flop. If you sell 60,000 albums on Lookout, you'll be set for at least a few years, assuming your needs and tastes are like those of the average Joe. If you sell 60,000 albums on Atlantic, it's unlikely that you'll see a dime and if you're lucky, they might give you one more chance to make some real money before they drop you like a bad habit.

So from a purely financial standpoint, I don't think I'm capable of doing such stuff. I mean, I feel like I'm in on the world's greatest scam or something. I get paid what I think is an obscene amount of money and all I have to do is what I'd be doing anyway —writing and recording songs and going out to play them in front of people once in a while. Even when my band breaks up, I'll most likely continue to make money because nothing jacks up record sales like a band breaking up (or one of the members O.D.ing or eating a shotgun shell).

Financially, I'm the first to admit that I'm pretty cynical. I don't try to justify the money I make by saying that I'm giving something important to people or making the world a better place. There are many better bands with far more intelligent people running them that will never make the kind of money I'm making (and let's clear something up here before the more reactionary of you start flipping out—I make about $15,000 a year. In the real world, that ain't shit for a 26 year old man. Unless of course you're like me and have no other skills besides pumping gas and hauling boxes onto trucks, in which case, as far as I'm concerned I'm one wealthy sonofabitch). I got lucky. I don't press my luck. I'm no gambler and a deal with a major is nothing more than high stakes crap shoot.

GREEN DAY is showing all the signs of becoming the next NIRVANA, or damn close. I'm happy for them. I wouldn't have done it their way, but it seems to be working out for them. But what about all the other bands who have signed recently? Does anybody really believe that SAMIAM is actually going to break through to a mainstream audience? How about JAWBOX? And what about all the bands who are secretly hoping that the day will come when they get to take that crap shoot? If I was a nice guy, I'd feel sorry for them. But I'm not a nice guy and I won't cry any tears when they lose everything that was ever important to them.

The punk scene has grown up. We shouldn't be acting so goddamn stupid now. We know better. I'm not going to condemn anyone who signs to a major. Their business is their own. But if you're going to sell out, at least do it smart. Admit you've sold out. Don't be naive enough to believe that major labels have changed to fit the punks. Get a good lawyer and never forget that you have no friends at the label, that they'll kick you out on your ass if you don't turn a profit. Don't forget that the ones who are signing your paychecks are also stealing a hefty chunk of your profit. Don't forget that your lifespan as a band will be considerably shortened and you'll likely turn to some form of dope or end up with an ulcer from all the pressure to do more and be more. And most importantly, don't forget that your success or failure has nothing to do with how good you are or how smart you are. It has to do with factors that nobody can explain, just like shooting craps. If you go into it ready to lose everything you have, you might come out of it relatively undamaged. Me, I think I'll leave the dice tossing to those with more nerve.